


Come Back Home, Z.

by ElegantSoldier



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: But plot, Depression, Falling In Love, Fanfic, I'm Sorry for how bad this is, Like 4k words, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Plot, Short Story, Some Sex, be kind, bear with me, directioner - Freeform, first fanfic, gay relationship, hardly any, larry stylinson - Freeform, lots of holes, one direction - Freeform, tiny bit, ziall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 08:16:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5701417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElegantSoldier/pseuds/ElegantSoldier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall and Zayn are in a relationship, Not. They just have sex sometimes, with underlying feelings that they both keep hidden. Until they get the better of both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Come Back Home, Z.

**Author's Note:**

> First off I'm sorry I'm a bad writer, This is my first one I've posted. Be kind :)

Niall was always happy. Or at least that's how he made it seem. The usually cheeky lad had the whole world fooled. Behind those ocean eyes and that perfect smile laid something much more dark and mysterious than anyone thought possible. 

Please listen to me, Z.

Niall's laugh echoed through the dining hall, loud enough to wake the next town over. Zayn smiled at him from across the table, stifling a laugh himself. The blonde haired beauty across from him could always put a smile on his face, even if he was in the lowest of depths. Zayn would never come clean about just how complete Niall made him feel. His family wasn't the best at accepting “Fags” as they called them, so Zayn was forced to be closeted. Possibly for the rest of his natural life. Although, he was almost positive Niall didn't feel the same way, he tried hard to get over the fact that Niall made his heart beat.  
The two were out to eat and a fancy restaurant that, for the life of him, Niall couldn't remember the name of. He had invited his life-long friend Louis Tomlinson, and Louis-being Louis-had a boyfriend younger than Niall. Harry was his name, and the curls that cascaded down to his eyelashes were mesmerizing even to Niall.  
Louis and his new boyfriend-much younger new boyfriend- laughed at Niall’s iconic laugh. It was nice and Zayn couldn't comprehend how he had got so lucky to be best friends with such a light in the world. Such a carefree soul. He was glad he walked into the grocery store where Niall worked all those years ago, he was glad he dropped a sack of flour spilling it everywhere and Niall offering to help clean it up. Those were the days. Now here they are, spending time out with Niall's long-time friend Louis Tomlinson, at a fancy restaurant, about to go back to THEIR flat.  
As Niall sipped his drink he felt Zayn's stare on his lips. Although he'd never admit it out loud, he was into Zayn. Niall loved the way he took care of himself. He loved how Zayn knew exactly who he was and wasn't afraid to be that person. If Niall had to choose, he'd lay down his own life for Zayn. Niall wasn't much for huge romantic gestures, or even getting his feelings out in the open, so loving Zayn in secret would have to do. He didn't want to ruin the friendship they had. It was perfect, their life was perfect, Zayn was perfect...  
“Ni?” Niall also loved how Zayn called him “Ni”. Nobody else did and the way the word exploded off of Zayn's lips sent shivers up Niall's spine.  
“Yeah?” Niall coughed after choking on his drink. He pulled at his tie trying to play off the fact he was completely indulged in thoughts of the boy across from him.  
“You ready to go, Mate? Lou and Harry left already.” Damn. How long had he been day dreaming? Niall nodded quickly and picked his jacket off the back of the chair slipping it on and smiling at the dark haired boy walking him out.  
“I really liked Louis and Harry. It was great to finally get to meet them.” Zayn said breaking the silence. He opened the door, letting Niall walk out first. Trying to keep himself from checking the blonde boy out.  
The crisp November air hit them like a brick wall. Niall shivered, rubbing his hands up and down his clothed arms quickly. Zayn took the initiative to offer his jacket. He slipped out of it revealing a dark purple dress shirt and the black bow-tie Niall had laid out earlier that day. Zayn laid the black jacket over the grey one his “not date” had on. His hands lingering on Niall's shoulders for a few moments more than called for. Niall stopped breathing as Zayn's hand graced softly down to the small of his back. Ni made sure to memorize the scent of Zayn's overcoat. They walked in silence, taking in the wonders of the night life. The lights, the cars, the people. It was all something Niall would never get used to, no matter how long he lived here. His mind drifted back to Louis, an amazing singer with the voice of a scarlet angel, and exactly how he had adjusted to the fast life.  
“They seemed to really be in love, Lou and Harry I mean, I hope I get a love like that someday.” Zayn admitted burying his hands deep in his pants pockets as his bottom lip quivered and he shut his eyes tightly. Niall watched as the boy he loved began to break down. Zayn looked up, however, laughed and kicked a rock on the ground. 

I'll give you that love, Z.

Once they reached their shared flat, Niall started shedding his clothes walking to his bedroom in only boxers and Zayn, following. Both boys laid down on the bed. Niall switched on the telly as Zayn rooted under the covers, his rough, gravelly, sleepy-voice begging Niall to come cuddle him. Ni felt like this was all Zayn wanted with him. Of course, he loved him, but Zayn seemed to only want him on occasion, and Niall was ready for commitment. Niall sighed and laid himself in the arms of the one man he felt he couldn't live without. His mind wandering to the fact that Zayn just didn't care about him the way he did. His unrequited love was enough to crush him. Enough to send him into depths of which even the devil can't reach.  
Zayn kept talking about how much fun he had with Niall's friends and what they were going to do tomorrow, and his family back home. Niall watched the moonlight shine through the window and off Zayn's eyelashes. The soft light reflecting off the most beautiful face he'd ever seen made his insides warm. Niall knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life wrapped up in the arms of Zayn Malik. A boy he met at fifteen and wouldn't trade for the world.  
“Z?” Niall asked shifting his weight to his elbow, still facing the older boys chiseled jawline, “What do you think we’re doing with our lives?” it was true, Niall had no idea what either of them were doing. Niall was a struggling singer/songwriter, and Zayn, well he worked at a strip club and this was the first weekend he had off in months. The idea of Zayn doing that sort of stuff for other people made Niall uncomfortable. He hated others lusting over his Zayn. Zayn would always argue though that he got paid so much more than Niall, and that was how they could keep the flat. It was those petty arguments that broke Ni down the most though. It broke him in so many pieces, when put back together, he’d be nothing but glue. And even then, glue melts. Niall was much more fragile than even Zayn knew.  
“Niall, don’t worry about it, we’re young.” Zayn reassured him stroking his blonde hair.  
Niall started to relax some when his phone started to ring. He crawled out of Zayn’s grip and glanced at the name “Mum” oh boy.  
“Hi, Mum.... Oh, Okay I’ll be right there.” he hung up, worry washed over his face, “Zayn, it’s Greg, I’ll be home later. I’m sorry.” Niall threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt he picked up off the floor, and took off.  
Zayn laid in the bed of his best friend for a while longer before getting up and beginning to pack his things. 

I’m sorry I have to go, Z.

 

 

“Zayn, I’m back. Greg is alright just a little hurt from his accident.” Niall called as he unlocked the door, setting his car keys in the bowl on the counter, “Zayn?” No response. This was unlike Zayn. It was only eleven at night, if Zayn was working tonight he wouldn’t even be close to the end of his shift.  
Niall looked around the kitchen, nothing was moved and there was no Zayn. He walked down the hallway into his bedroom, Zayn’s clothes were picked up off the floor and the bed was made. That was normal though, Zayn liked organization. Next came Zayn’s room. The door was shut, so Ni knocked.  
“Zayn? Are you home?” no answer. Niall slowly opened the door, his heart pounding in his chest as he revealed a perfectly kept room, a perfectly made bed, and no Zayn. There was however a note on the bed. Niall knew this could only mean one thing. Zayn was gone. He sat down on the bed, crossed his legs and ripped open the letter. 

Niall,  
Listen mate, I’m really sorry, but I have to leave. Please don’t try and find me, it will only bring you more pain. Trust me when I say this, you’ll be perfectly fine without me. Maybe someday I’ll return home, but until then I need to go my own way and do my own things. Trust me on this. I left my last two paychecks on the desk in the living room. You’ll need them for rent. 

Z

Niall was in shock. He let the handwritten note slip through his fingers as he cried into his hands. His entire world just walked out the door, his entire world just crashed down.  
Ni's tears soaked his hands. His heart cracked open as he clenched the paper that even smelled like Zayn next to his chest. Niall shifted to the pillow, holding it as tight as he could, tears not ceasing to fall. 

Come back home, Z.

Niall woke up wrapped in the dark blue comforter and tear-stained pillow case of Zayn's bed. It was the first time he had woken up alone in this bed since they moved into the flat. A million memories flooded back into his mind. 

***The first night he and Zayn had slept together they had been in this bed. Both hammered out of their minds and it all started because Zayn couldn't keep his lips off Niall's neck. He had a weakness for neck kisses and Zayn just couldn't resist.  
“Ni, let's go back to my room.” Zayn mumbled into his neck. The vibrations of Zayn's voice sent shivers up his spine. Niall couldn't find his voice though, so he nodded and Zayn lifted the drunk eighteen year old off his lap and Niall wrapped his legs around Zayn's hips and locked his lips onto the boy underneath him. Zayn laid him down slipping his shirt off before climbing back over the blonde boy, lips magnetized to the sweet spot on his neck.  
“Zayn. Zayn, please.” Niall had begged hands searching for any sort of hold as his hips rocked desperately trying to find friction. Zayn's hands undid Niall's pants as Ni slipped off his own shirt. The relief of pressure flooded Niall's body, Zayn kissed a line down Niall's body stopping just above his boxers. His brown eyes wandered back up to the blue ones in front of him.  
“Are you sure you want this Niall?” He has asked, he knew this was Niall's first time with anyone and he wanted to make sure this was exactly what he wanted. Niall nodded and Zayn slipped his boxers off and took the head of Niall's throbbing cock into his mouth.  
“Shit, Z” Niall was out of breath as the warm wetness of Zayn's mouth surrounded him. The rush of pleasure took over his body as his eyes rolled back in his head. Niall moaned and Zayn started to palm at himself through his jeans. He slipped off of Niall long enough to slide his jeans off as fast as he could. Leaving Niall's once warm cock now susceptible to the cold air around them.  
“Zayn, Z, please.” Niall was squirming underneath a now nude Zayn. The brown eyed boy crawled to his bedside table grabbing the lube and undoing the cap. He lathered it on his fingers, slowly tracing his way to Niall, and teasing him.  
“Niall, are you sure you want this?” he asked again just wanting to make positive before he started to prep him. Niall nodded, grabbing Zayn's wrist and pushing him inside. The warmth took over Zayn as he added another, hoping Niall could handle it. Zayn kissed at Niall's sweet spot on his neck once again hoping to earn a few more of the precious moans he loved so much. Zayn this time, however, wanted him to beg. He pulled his fingers out after what he felt as, a much thorough prep.  
Niall gasped at the feeling of being completely open and empty. His breathing got heavier as Zayn started to take his dick back into his mouth for only a moment. He then grabbed Niall's sides and flipped him over, laying his body over Niall's, his rock solid cock lying on Niall's arse. Zayn kissed the neck of the boy underneath him and Niall moaned, rocking his hips up to come in contact with Zayn's throbbing erection.  
“Do you want it, Princess?” Zayn's voice was low and confident. He grabbed Niall's hips pulling him up on his knees, and being a little rough making Niall whimper.  
“Yes.” Niall choked out almost in tears, “Zayn I need it.” Zayn got just what he wanted when Niall started to tear up, begging, his hands grasping the bed sheets in full force as Zayn lined up with Niall and thrust in. Slow at first, he didn't want Ni's first time to be painful. His hips rocking in perfect sequence with Niall's as they both felt a rush of pleasure. Zayn knew the feeling of being inside Niall couldn't last forever but he really wanted it to. He leaned onto Niall's back, kissing his neck, and whispering sweet nothings into his ear as his hips picked up speed. Zayn pulled himself back up, hands stuck to Ni's hips.  
“'M close.” Ni forced out, his cheek flat against the mattress and his hair disheveled and sweaty. Zayn thrust in one last time hitting Niall's prostate perfectly, sending them both over the edge. 

The paper that broke Niall's heart was still laced in his fingers. Little did anyone know, but Niall had been through tough times, not any that he particularity enjoyed talking about. He had tried so hard to be happy, or genuinely happy, at least.  
Ni had been clinically depressed for years, secretly going to appointments with professionals to try to help him behind his friends' backs since he met them. He didn't want to seem like he was trying to seek attention, but he was also too ashamed to ask for help from them. The world felt like the ocean to Niall Horan. Like he was at the bottom and the weight of all the water was on his shoulders. He couldn't breath a lot of the time. He was shocked he made it this far, life was not something he wanted to endure, let alone not something he wanted to do without his best friend.  
Niall's heart started to pound as he remembered Zayn leaving, and remembered exactly why he was in this bed, exactly why his eyes were still red and puffy and exactly why he was getting bad again. He didn't want to be bad again. After fighting his self to stand up, he walked in the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee when he remembered, Zayn wasn't here to get up early and make the coffee every morning. Niall sat at the kitchen table and looked around for any answer, any way out. He noticed the huge knife sitting in the dish drainer waiting to be put away. As much as he hated it, the thought of it being so easy to plunge it into his chest crossed his mind. Niall cried. What else was there to do? His heart was shattered, his mind frail. Niall was scared, he didn't want to be bad again but he couldn't stop himself. Being depressed was almost like being stuck in a bottomless abyss. The constant struggle between his depression and the so far off happiness was too much for one person. The weight of the world rested on the weak, pale shoulders of Niall.  
“Okay, Niall.” He started talking to himself in any desperate attempt to just hang on long enough to find Zayn, “Everything will be okay. It'll be fine.” the tears cascaded down his cheeks hitting the table after slipping through his outstretched fingers. Ni stood up with shaky legs and stumbled down the hallway into the bathroom. He was caught of guard when he glanced in the mirror and saw how red and puffy his entire face had become. Still damp from the tears, he started again,  
“Ni, it'll be okay, you can get through this, you can do this on your own.” with a broken heart his tears fell faster, “Niall Horan you are not a crier, you will not cry.” Niall inhaled sharply and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. The icy blue of his eyes became more prominent the more blood-shot his eyes got. He swallowed hard as he tried to hold back inevitable tears. Niall Horan was going down a dark path, and he somehow knew this time he wouldn't turn back around. 

I can't live like this, Z.

Zayn's phone rang and he somehow knew exactly what was happening.  
“Shit” he mumbled under his breath as the name “Lou” lit up. He took a deep breath and prepared for the worst.  
“What the bloody hell, Zayn? What was going through your fooking skull? Niall has been at my place bawling for the past three days. I hope you're somewhere good, I really do, because he's not and he won't get any better.”  
“Lou, I-” Zayn was cut off by silence. He slammed his phone down on the couch at his mothers house and cursed. “That bugger.”  
“Zain, dear,” His mothers voice rang from the kitchen and it somehow brought him comfort, “You left your friend, love, and didn't even say why, he has every right to be furious.”  
Zayn knew she was right, not that he would ever own up to that though. He always had too big of a pride to admit his wrong doing. His mother was right about not giving Ni a reason though too. Zayn knew leaving without warning would break Niall, but he just couldn't stay. He needed time away and he'd go back soon. At least that was what he told himself.  
Niall hadn't even tried to contact him and he'd left almost three days ago. Zayn figured if Niall missed him he'd reach out, but maybe he was to broken to even attempt to contact the one who left. Zayn threw his phone on the ground and layed on the couch, tucking a throw pillow under him. He started to think about Niall and just how close they had become

*** Two months after Niall lost his virginity to his best friend, they were at it again. Both hammered, once more as it was the first time. Niall began to believe that Zayn had to be hammered to fuck him, and he was somewhat okay with that. At least he got to love Zayn. Niall undressed Z slowly taking in ever last inch of his tan skin. He licked his lips and smirked at him. The two were going to try something different tonight, this time, Zayn would take it.  
“Ni, hurry up will ya?” Zayn said squirming under Niall's slow, tender touch. Niall let go of the button on Zayn's jeans and looked at him, head half cocked.  
“I want you to enjoy this, Zayn. I don't want it to just be us having sex, Zayn I want to love you. And love you right.” Zayn stopped, his chest rising and falling at a faster pace as Niall slipped his pants the rest of the way off. He stood off the bed, undressing himself then grabbing Zayn's hand and laying next to him, kissing his jawline and making Zayn wiggle and beg for more. Niall laid on his back, moving over slightly to shove Z off the bed. He looked up, stars shining in the pale blue of his eyes.  
“I want you to ride me.” Ni said, without an ounce of hesitation. Zane nodded and straddled the smaller boy underneath him. Zayn began to prep himself as Niall tried hard not to lose it at the sight of Zayn with three fingers shoved up his own arse on top of him. Zayn was completely ready when Niall hurriedly slipped the condom on. Zayn pulled his fingers out and lined Niall up himself. He sunk down slowly and the tightness of Zayn made Niall whimper, Zayn however just bit his lip, his eyes closed tightly as Niall jerked his hips up hitting his spot dead on. Zayn squealed at the sudden movement. His hands held on to Niall's as he rode him into oblivion. Zayn's body bounced on Niall as the blonde haired beauty tried so hard not to come before Zayn did.  
“Niall. This Ni, Right there.” Niall thrust up, Zayn jumped too hoping Ni would keep going so he could finish, “Ni, I-I I'm gonna lose it.” Zayn screamed as Niall's hands floated to Zayn's hips, helping him with the up, down rhythm, both inching closer and closer to the edge.

Zayn woke up, after what seemed like forever to a million and one texts from Niall.

Niall: Zayn come home  
Niall: Please I can't do it without you  
Niall: Z, Louis has to go I don't want to be alone  
Niall: I can't anymore, Zayn. I'm calling it quits

Zayn's heart beat so fast he thought it would bust. He was scared, because although Niall never said anything, Zayn knew he was severely depressed. He was nervous his whole life was about to turn upside down in the blink of an eye. He grabbed his keys, jacket, and kissed his mom goodbye. He had to get home.

It's so hard, Z.

Niall left Louis's flat driving way to fast on the way to downtown. All his messages to Zayn had been time stamped an hour ago that they had been read. His mind swirling with thoughts that this was finally it. This would be it. Niall would no longer have to suffer, no longer have to live in a world of which he didn't feel welcome. Niall stopped on the overpass bridge, a lot higher altitude than it normally would have been. He knew this would be the best option, considering he had no other way to end his prolonged suffering. 

This is it, Z.

Zayn sped through his hometown, desperately trying to make it to the city before what he knew would inevitably happen, happened. Zayn's mind raced, thinking of ways he could talk Niall out of his incredibly low state. A few tears fell down Zayn's face as he imagined being alone, in the flat. Niall nowhere to be found.

Don't worry to much, Z.

Z ran in the unlocked door of the flat he shared with his best friend. Thrashing around violently through the piles of blankets and clothes on the couch and floor.  
“NIALL!” He sobbed throwing everything around everywhere, opening closet doors, ransacking bathrooms and creating a mess. He opened the door to Niall's bedroom and found a note on the bed. Tears still falling and heart pounding he ripped open the neatly secure envelope and took a deep breath. The paper felt like a thousand pounds in his hands. His fingers traced the cold edges as he noticed the dry tear marks imbedded in the paper.  
“Oh shit.” Zayn mumbled under his breath as he unfolded the letter and began reading. 

Zayn,  
Please Listen to Me, Z. Please know that I thoroughly adore you and everything you do. Please do not ever change. As long as the stars shine promise you I will love you.. Please tell my family they mean the world to me and then some. This is not their fault, they did all they could. My mother especially. She sacrificed so much for son who just couldn't live a life worth living. Tell my brother that he is living a life worth infinity and one lifetimes. He is the embodiment of perfection in my eyes. I promise you more than anything, I could have given you that fairytale love you wanted. I know how much you loved to be loved, and I could have given you that love, Z. I know this is not good terms and I hate you have to read this, but I'm sorry I have to go, Z. Forgive me. All I ever wanted was for you to come back home, Z. This situation, however, is not your fault. Not for a minute are you ever to believe it is. After you left Zayn, I was so alone. I hate to put you in this situation, but I can't live like this, Z. Life went from zero to one hundred in a matter of days. There was nothing I could do to slow it down, and no-one really understood exactly how I felt. It's so hard, Z. Trying to live a life like this is just not something I can handle, I'm sorry. And lastly, Zayn, the love of my life, This is it, Z. I cannot continue as long as the world keeps pushing me further. There is no-one in this world I love more than I love you. You are my world, my everything. And now that my time has come, Don't worry too much, Z. I'll still be here for you, even when you cannot see me.  
best wishes for a life full of love and laughter,  
The One You Gave The World,  
Niall Horan 

 

Zayn cried as the world slowly started to suffocate him. His best friend had taken his own life, and it was all his fault. There were so many things he could have done to prevent such a horrible event, and yet he chose the cowards way out, and left. Leaving Niall alone with his thoughts and the ability to act on those thoughts. 

*  
“Harry! Wake up we're going to be late!!” Harry Styles, covered in a cold sweat, was woken up by the shrieking voice of his boyfriend, “We're going to miss our date with Niall and Zayn! Harry, get dressed let's go!” Harry got dressed quickly and padded out the front door.  
“Lou, 'M excited to finally get to meet them!”


End file.
